The Road to an Embodied Spirit
Religion V. Spirituality
The story of Eve and Adam (she deserves top billing on this epic) doesn’t say much about spiritual healing — and yet it does set the stage for how I came to ignore my own spirit.
Before church each Sunday, my parents took me to Sunday School, where the kid classes were organized by age and the parents had classes too. One of the first stories I was introduced to, was of course, about Adam and Eve. You know the one — where Eve bites the forbidden apple and is banned from the most beautiful garden ever and suddenly both she and Adam naked and ashamed.
It has only recently occurred to me what this creation story teaches budding minds.
1. Don’t trust your own body or desires — you’re human, flawed and inclined to make decisions that you’ll never live down. (Poor Eve!)
2. You’re not good enough to be in God’s presence so you’ll be forced to leave the lovely garden where God is hanging.
3. Naked = Shame, shame, shame.
I mean, what in the Sam Hill is a six-year-old supposed to do with a story like this?!
I’m a grown woman and that’s still a baffling story. And yet this story of body disconnection runs da da da DEEP.
The Patriarchy Would Like to have a Word with You
The patriarchy — that systematic process of keeping power in the hands of men (specifically white, land owning men) — floods the market with both overt and obscure messages that support the mission. Evidence is everywhere, but a favorite fact to point is that women make .80 cents to every $1.00 a man makes for the same job.
My friend was pulling her daughter in a wagon and a man cheerfully commented, “Is that the future homecoming queen?” To which, my quick-witted friend replied, “No. She’s the future President.”
This kind of playful, innocent sounding, nonsense is ubiquitous. But I don’t need to tell you that!
Family Baggage
I really wanted to earn my father’s love and attention. I found quickly that the path of least resistance was by winning.
My dad loved to watch me succeed on the sports field and when I came out on top of any competition, that’s when he gave me the gold: Attention, a hug, words of affirmation, and the loving approval I SO deeply craved. This performance-driven-anxiety-for-love is a tough neural pathway to dissolve.
Let’s (NOT) Talk about Sex
I vividly remember Youth group talks about masturbation as “every boy’s struggle.” To say nothing of a girl's shameful impulse.
I was once called out, in Youth Group, for kissing my boyfriend at age 15. I trust exactly no searing eyes or words were sent his way.
Naturally, I was taught it was a sin to have sex before marriage. “Don’t do it” was a clear and strong message from church, school, television after school specials... I’ll never forget hearing an adult male joke, “…but fellas, once you’re married you can have it anytime you want!” (That man didn’t stay married for long.) And nothing to say of a woman’s CONSENT. Ew.
College was peak sexual confusion.
It appeared to me like everyone was “doing it” and gossip was rampant after every party and tailgate (I’m from the Southeast if you haven’t gleaned that yet!).
The boys were regarded as heroes, and the girls were crowned sluts — by both genders. Awful.
Diet Disconnection
Another message I heard loud and clear was to get the attention, you had to look a certain way.
So boy did I go for it. I’ll never forget the first time a boy said I had a “hot body.” It made an impression and I hit the Cindy Crawford idealization hard. Cut to me rocking step aerobics whilst keeping in mind Crawford’s iconic Pepsi-sipping curves.
Only in recent years, after a deep dive into Intuitive Eating, have I unpacked the harmful nature of diet culture on our bodies and minds. Diets imprint upon our brains that we are not enough until we look a certain way or see a specific number on the scale. The industry is designed to keep us unsatisfied so we keep buying the next fad, file this too under Patriarchy.
Fitness Bypass
I grew up an athlete, lettering in three sports, with tennis holding my greatest interest. I studied Corporate Fitness as a major in college. In graduate school, where I studied Theology, I led a group of students in frequent workouts between classes. Post-graduate school, I have continuously positioned myself to endlessly offer coaching, teaching, team sports and fitness classes. Even this morning!
You would think I’d be pretty connected to my body with all that fitness history, right?
Wrong.
It was nearing a decade of CrossFit obsession when I came to this realization: My body was suffering. Having totally drunk the CrossFit kool-aid (I don’t do casual sex or casual exercise apparently!) For the 2 of you that don’t know, CrossFit teaches you to work through the pain, until you’re lying on the floor at the end of the workout in your own pool of sweat and your mouth tastes like pennies with your lungs and muscles on fire. Good times.
I didn’t just go to CrossFit classes, I entered competitions, I was a coach, and I was also a frequent flyer at the Chiropractor’s office. I was in pain regularly — and ignoring my body entirely! On repeat.
But my name was at the top of the damn whiteboard.
CrossFit was my drug. And just like any drug, it left me frustrated and hurting and disconnected. Something had to change.
Coming Home to Myself
These days, I’m coming home to the real me — honoring my history, my baggage, my body (age 47) and my intentions to heal myself and to share with my children more accurate understanding of sex, body, shame and self love.
It takes an entire quiver of tools to chip away at the old thoughts, long held ideas and ingrained patterns. Neuroplasticity informs us that we can change these thought patterns.
I’ve had the most success with meditation, journaling, a variety of movement practices, including yoga, dance, walking in nature, and mindful fitness classes. I also borrow love from my ancestors. I invite light into my body, and I ask the busy mind to get out of the way and connect me with the wisdom innately in me. I use breath prayers. I find safe spaces to share my story and feelings, and find ways to be playful, laugh and have FUN! The toolbox is DEEP. I love sharing these TOOLS in my retreats!
A practice of getting in touch with my body and calm mind have all brought me to a place of more compassion and deeper love and spirituality — and away from the rote dogma of religion.
When I succeed at building a realistic and unconditional love and compassion for myself, I’m then — and only then — able to extend the likewise to my family and the world of amazing people I get to make contact with every day.
It’s true that self-care is not selfish.
The Embodied Spirit Retreats offer opportunities for us to share our stories and unpack together what stories we are telling ourselves, where those stories came from, and whether or not they are serving us. The practices we engage in provide participants their own quiver of tools in which to begin to form new neural pathways that evoke love, healing, compassion and mindfulness.
I’m hoping to hold space for you — the way you hold space for me, so we can all hold space for ourselves everyday.
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